That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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