things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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