thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
