so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
