he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
