I haven't been this sober since birth.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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