Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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