Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
