i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
