i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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