Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
