I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
