Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Dicks are not precious.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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