if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
