I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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