it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
