So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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