We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
