remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
