If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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