the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
