I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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