Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
