I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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