The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize