I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
