I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize