In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
