my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
