fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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