you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
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