I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
