i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
