I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
