I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
