Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
