Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
