Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
