you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
