If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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