I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
