you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
