Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
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