Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra