i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
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I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
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"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that