We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
