Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
