I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You need a sexual gate keeper
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
