My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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