I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I have fence marks all over my body
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
