why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
