I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
