THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
