my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.