Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
