that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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