Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
