That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
