Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
