fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
