I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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