I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize
