so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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