i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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