then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
How's work?
Spinning.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
