In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
