Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
