I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
